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Why did I feel I needed it?
If you've been following my blog or twitter account, you probably know that I have recently undergone EMDR therapy, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (yeah, let's stick with EMDR). This was due to certain memories that were troubling me persistently, alongside consequent difficulties concentrating, sleeping, and dealing with the relevant events in a calm manner. I was recommended the therapy many years ago, and last year I came across it again in the brilliant Healing Without Freud or Prozac by David Servan-Schreiber.
In the first EMDR session I was diagnosed with PTSD, which I believed to be due to my parents' divorce. I could replay the night that it happened with unusual clarity, although I had no recall of the time periods around it, and any related thoughts brought intense waves of feeling. In the NHS therapy sessions that I had before starting private EMDR therapy, I'd spend the majority of sessions concentrated on the divorce cycling between crying and panic attacks. Clearly, the divorce had affected me in a very strong way. Yet, as it turned out, it wasn't the root cause of my problems.
When going through a chronological history of my past with my new therapist, I briefly mentioned that sometime before the divorce (I can't easily place either event) I saw my sister nearly drown. Like the divorce, I could re-play it so clearly in my mind, and my body felt like I was re-experiencing it when I did. The therapist told me something along the lines of the following: you can be traumatised by one event, but the symptoms can be delayed in appearance until another, less "traumatic" event. Therefore, the incident with my sister seemed to be the route cause of my issues, although I had barely given any thought to it. However, it must be added that since that time I've always hated water and swimming!
How does it work?
Here's the EMDR Association's description of how the therapy works:
When I person is involved in a distressing event, they may feel overwhelmed and their brain may be unable to process the information like a normal memory. The distressing memory seems to become frozen on a neurological level. When a person recalls the distressing memory, the person can re-experience what they saw, heard, smelt, tasted or felt, and this can be quite intense. Sometimes the memories are so distressing, the person tries to avoid thinking about the distressing event to avoid experiencing the distressing feelings.
Some find that the distressing memories come to mind when something reminds them of the distressing event, or sometimes the memories just seem to just pop into mind. The alternating left-right stimulation of the brain with eye movements, sounds or taps during EMDR, seems to stimulate the frozen or blocked information processing system.
In the process the distressing memories seem to lose their intensity, so that the memories are less distressing and seem more like 'ordinary' memories. The effect is believed to be similar to that which occurs naturally during REM sleep (Rapid Eye Movement) when your eyes rapidly move from side to side. EMDR helps reduce the distress of all the different kinds of memories, whether it was what you saw, heard, smelt, tasted, felt or thought.
Did it work?
It's quite hard not to feel sceptical of the treatment before and during therapy. My therapist used a light bar, and it was difficult not to feel stupid watching a light moving left to right. However, it did become a lot more natural, and I was able to "just let things happen" more easily (I was told to do so many times). If you struggle with OCD, as I have over the years, it does make the therapy more difficult, and so make sure that you communicate with your therapist the best you can.
After each thirty-second (more or less) interval of focusing on uncomfortable bodily sensations whilst watching the lights, I was asked how I felt, and if anything had come up. Yes, it was often tempting to tell white lies. A few times I said that I felt calmer in order to try and move away from the discomfort, but it was clear that wasn't the truth. The therapist continued to suggest further intervals of watching the lights until I genuinely seemed calmer, or until ta-dah!/lightbulb moments occurred (I'm sure this isn't the clinical term).
For instance, after focusing on the divorce, I eventually said aloud: "It wasn't my fault, it was just unfortunate that I overhead all of those things. I feel so lucky that I can now live alone and distance myself from people and situations that upset me. Back then I had no choice but to stay put." Similarly, after following the light bar whilst thinking about the thoughts and feelings associated with my sister almost drowning, I came up with the following: "Anyone would have reacted with panic. However, I was very young myself, and it wasn't my responsibility to save her".
In the last session I had with the therapist, I did the PTSD scale again. At the beginning of the course of therapy I was scoring very highly, but now I was clinically not a sufferer. It was a relief to hear that, although it's quite strange to be diagnosed and undiagnosed within such a short space of time. I can talk about the once-troubling events without discomfort, and they feel much more like ordinary memories. However, I am still having disturbed sleep and I still get very easily startled. I'm sure, nonetheless, that with time and rest old habits will decrease, and I'll feel entirely free from my past. But on the whole, I found the therapy to be immensely helpful, and I'm feeling so much more capable to live and enjoy my life.